Why Do I Have Negative Thoughts About Others?

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Do you ever find yourself judging other people in your mind, thinking, why did they do that? Why didn't she do that? Why didn't he do that? What's going on with this person? Like, what the hell? What's wrong with these people? It can really get the better of us, go into the mind. It makes us feel bad because we don't want to judge people. We don't want to have negative thoughts, but they keep coming up and this can really wreck our mood and it can ruin our life. So today we're diving into why we have negative thoughts about others and what to do about it. [00:00:34] Speaker B: I'm laughing because I've never had a negative thought. Thank goodness, right? [00:00:42] Speaker A: Goodness. There's one person hasn't. Ah, yeah. How come you've never had a negative thought in your life? How did you manage? [00:00:52] Speaker B: That is a big one, you know. Before we dive into this, I want to share a story. It was a few years ago when I was working and one of my colleagues I was working with, we had to travel a lot together, right? And everything about this colleague used to irritate me. Like their diet would really bother me and especially if they brought meat into my, you know, car and, you know, like anything, right? Like how loud he was and everything. Everything used to really bother me, right? And. And it would go on forever and ever. And then there was a time when not only at work, I was thinking negative about this person, but even after I came home, I was thinking negative about this person, right? And so it's like, you know, why are they so loud? And why do they have to be like this and that, and. And then I went on a retreat, like, you know, three, four times a year. I used to go on retreats. I still do. And I went on a retreat and I caught myself thinking about this person, right? Something negative about this person. And I realized, whoa. And maybe because of the silence of the retreat and everything that was going on, I realized that that person and my reaction to that person is telling me something about myself. I feel that's a really important message that came across. If I'm reacting to someone, they are a messenger. They're telling me something about myself. Maybe because I was very soft spoken and I didn't express myself too well, maybe it was two things I felt they were telling me about myself is that I wanted to be not. I wanted to say more, right? I wanted to say more. That was one, they were telling me about myself, and the second one, they were telling me about myself. And later I realized that this was what psychologists call cognitive shortcuts or something. Cognitive shortcuts, right. So if I'm over the years, if I'm used to people really yelling at me and all of that, and if some person comes and talks loudly, even if they're not yelling at me, I automatically assume that it's not going to be good for me because they'll start yelling at me, right? Because my psychology, the psyche is assuming that it's going to be like this. And then I had to really shift, right? And you know how I am. I had to come up with the plan, which I'm very good at coming up with plans I had to come up with. I had to come up with the step by step system plan all got into place and it went away. No, I'm not joking. That's true. Really? I did a step by step. [00:04:15] Speaker A: It went away. Well, you can. Yeah, well, I mean, that's how things work though, isn't it? You know, you have to. If you don't come up with a plan, it's just a great. [00:04:24] Speaker B: What about you? What about you, brother Michael? [00:04:27] Speaker A: Good thing. What was the plan? [00:04:31] Speaker B: I know you're so sweet and loving. [00:04:34] Speaker A: Any negative thoughts either, but I know, I know, I know it doesn't, you know, you know, it's essentially a very interesting topic. I did a session on this called the Banana Method a while ago, which I, I recommend everyone listens to. I think it's on the Apple podcasts. And I was just giving this example that if, imagine that I have for some reason decided that everyone should be wearing one of those big banana suits, you know, where they, someone's like a giant banana, right? And in my head, every. The proper etiquette that human beings should have is they should always be dressed as a banana, their car should look like a banana, they should eat bananas. And that's what I think the world should be like in my mind. And then I go outside and I'm absolutely enraged that there's no banana cars anywhere, nobody's wearing a banana suit. There aren't anywhere near enough bananas in the store. You know, I mean, you can imagine if I, if that was my psychology, I would be in an absolute fit all day long because the world isn't matching my, my expectation. And I came up with this, this idea because it's so ridiculous, you know, I mean, can you imagine someone who's like pulling their hair out and shouting at people in the store like, what the hell's wrong with you? How dare you wearing this sort of clothes? But that's actually on a deeper level what I'm doing when I'm judging somebody. I'm basically saying you shouldn't be the way you are, you should be the way I want you to be. And the reason I'm saying that is because that makes me feel better, realistic, if you really tune into it. Like if I think why do I want anyone to be different than they are? Because I'm not getting my needs met in the way that I think I want them met because of the other person. So in other words, I'm saying I, that other person has to act according to what I want, otherwise I'm feeling disturbed emotionally or in some other way. And so I'm basically saying my, my well being and my life is dependent on them acting a particular way. And, and you can control people a little bit. You know, like we all have very. I mean everyone's trying to control everyone a little bit. Like in some ways, like, can you please just put that thing. If you're living with people, you're like, can you put the dishes away or not? Leave that thing out if you. We all have some like compromises if we're living with other people. But there comes a point where it starts becoming neurotic and unsustainable and we're always stressed about things. So for me, what's happened over the years is, is I've realized that this has taken me a long time to realize that I can either be aligned with truth or I can live in a fantasy world of my own making. And truth is like, who is this person really and honestly? And what are they actually like really and truly separate from my projection of them? And because we have like, we don't normally see even ourselves correctly, let alone anyone else, we're sort of projecting on people that we want someone to be a certain way or we don't want this to be a certain way, but they are a certain way and that just is what it is. So once I've started going, okay, let me come out of my fantasy reality of projection on other people and just see them for what they are, then I can accept them. Because realistically, people are going to do whatever they want. You know, some people, they're more soft spoken, some people are louder, some people are more energized, some people are going to do crazy stuff all the time. Like there's all sorts of things. So for me it's, it. What's helped me is just to come to terms with what is really and honestly. And then, then I don't worry about. It's like, like the wind. Like it was really windy the other day and I didn't like it. So I didn't go out for a walk because it was just way too strong wind. I'm not, I'm not complaining about it. I'm just like, let me arrange my life differently so I can handle the wind. Or if it's too hot, then you, you know, you have to do something about it. If it's too cold, you put clothes on. There's no point trying to force the weather to change. And there's no point trying to force other people to change because it's not going to happen. [00:09:15] Speaker B: So you want to hear my step by step method on how to do this? Get. [00:09:21] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:22] Speaker B: Get rid of this whole idea of banana. Right. Is a great thing. Right. Like make it really ridiculous. So ridiculous. And out there. [00:09:34] Speaker A: Banana food. Exactly, exactly. They have to wear banana suits, drive a banana car. We'll eat banana bread. You know, I mean, everyone should be wearing bananas, carrying bananas. Manas, I just want to mention before you talk about your method, there's another reason. Like why. Why do we have negative thoughts? Another reason for that is that we, first of all, we don't feel good about other people. Right. Because they're doing stuff that's making us upset. As far as we're concerned, if they, if they're finally they change, then I would be all right. You know, we hear this again and again in our spiritual teachings. But if only this other person changed, then everything will be fine in my life. Right. And. And we keep being told actually you have to change and then the world will change. Because if you wait around for someone else to change, you could be waiting for the rest of your life. But another interesting method and understanding around this is that sometimes people are doing things and you alluded to this, that are actually suppressed things within ourselves. Right. So for example, it could be that someone is. Do. Is like having a better life than we are and we're jealous about it and we have negative thoughts. But actually that's what we want. [00:11:03] Speaker B: Right. [00:11:04] Speaker A: Ourselves. Like they're doing something. Let's say someone's more liberated or they're happier or they're more. More free. [00:11:12] Speaker B: Right. Somehow it kind of reinforces our inadequacy looking at them. [00:11:18] Speaker A: Yeah. And them being around is stressed. That's why there's often this thing, the tall flower syndrome. Like if you go above everyone else in some way, like you're more successful or whatever, then the tall flower gets chopped down because. And Same thing with the crabs. You know, the trap tries to get out of the bucket and all the other crabs pull it back in again. So some of our negative thinking is just pulling, trying to pull people back into the bucket without even realizing it's happening. And then the other thing is that we might see something we don't like in ourselves, in somebody else and project our own negativity on them. So we're actually reacting to our own suppressed stuff and blaming them for it. [00:12:09] Speaker B: Right. [00:12:10] Speaker A: Which is not very thing to be doing. [00:12:13] Speaker B: Yeah. So it's been a few years since I always look at people and if there is a reaction, right? Any reaction, any thought, then something is within me, right? Like why are we having negative thoughts? Right. Within the Brahma Kumari's tradition and also many other faith tradition, they talk about the vices in the soul. And if there's vices in the soul, then there's definitely those vices are going to come out through thoughts. You know, like for example, let's say you squeeze an angry person, you will get anger, you squeeze a really calm person, it doesn't matter how much you squeeze, the person is just going to be calm. Like let's say like saying squeezing an apple, you squeeze an apple, you will get apple juice and you squeeze a mango, you'll get mango juice. And so if you, so if you squeeze a mango, you're not going to get something else, you're just going to get mango juice. And so because the juice is inside, it's coming out because anger is inside, it's coming out and it's reflecting in other people, right? It's always, I feel it's a self defense mechanism where we are thinking it's the other person. But it's really us. You know, the message really is us. They are vices in the soul and that's why this is happening. And really I don't think there are shortcuts to this thing, right? If I'm reacting negatively, the message is that someone is coming and squeezing. And even though it's justified, let's say someone is coming and squeezing you, right? So this meditation retreat I went to when this happened was with Dadi Janki and she was just like so, you know, spiritual and so lovely and. And I was thinking of no one's going to make her angry, no one's going to make her have negative thoughts, right? It doesn't matter what anyone is doing, they're not going to have negative, she's not going to have negative thoughts because it's not inside Her. And so whatever is inside me is coming out. And so I feel that we need to acknowledge that if there is negative thinking, what is the message? Forget about the messenger, right? Forget about the person creating the negative thoughts. What's the message I need to get out of this. And so that's very important. What is the message I need to get out of this? But even more than the message, I need to get out of this, right? We can bypass. What is the learning. We can bypass that and just go into the transformation technique. And the transformation technique is like the first is aware that, yes, I'm thinking negative. If I'm thinking negative, then it's my responsibility to think differently because I have a choice. I have a choice whether I can think negative or I can think positive. That's a choice I have. Right? That's the first step to understand there is choice. And it's. I'm thinking this. [00:15:34] Speaker A: Yeah, let's have the whole. So this is what you came up with, a system, right, to overcome this in the retreat. Daddy Janky, by the way, apparently she said years ago, she. [00:15:44] Speaker B: 20, 20, 2020. [00:15:46] Speaker A: Was it 2021 or something? [00:15:48] Speaker B: She was 104. [00:15:49] Speaker A: 2020, 2020. So apparently she. 104, right? 104. What a wonder. And apparently she's. She. Her last negative thought was in 1954. That's what she said, 1954. So 1954 through to 2020. [00:16:08] Speaker B: And you could really feel it. She's not thinking negative about anyone, right? That's why I had this realization because I was watching a very powerful yogi and I was think, thought is me. Nothing to do with the other person. It's just me, right? So one is, I have a choice. And it's, you know, the thought is coming from me and I have a choice to choose differently. That's the first step. The second step is to find to what is the negative thought. Like to distill, distill one or two negative thoughts you're having. Because sometimes it comes in a cluster, right? They shouldn't do this. This should happen. That should happen this, that, that, that. It all comes in a cluster. So you sift it out and find one or two thoughts that are negative about this person or situation. And then the step number three is you find a transformative thought. For example, let's say I think, you know, this person is really always very loud and obnoxious. The transformative thought would be the person is a soul, is, you know, innate qualities are purity, you know, peace. These are the innate Qualities of the soul. And so those kinds of thoughts, right? You pick a transformative thought that you can have about that person. Person which has nothing to do with the situation, nothing to do with that, but which goes beyond all of that and just really able to see the person as a spiritual being. Step number three, step number four and five and six is you keep repeating every time this thought comes up, you just keep repeating the antidote. You have to apply the antidote every time. You have to apply the antidote every time because the poison is the negative thought. And I have the power, the soul has the power to apply the antidote to this negative thought. And I have to keep doing it, keep doing it. And if I keep doing it enough times, then it'll go away, right? Like what I experience with this person, right? We did the same things afterwards. We traveled together again a lot. But every time the thought came, transformed it. And it's interesting, right? It's really interesting because once I transformed the other person actually really did transform. That is funny. [00:18:55] Speaker A: That's funny, isn't it? [00:18:57] Speaker B: So somehow more thoughtful and more, you know, consulting me on things. And you know, it was different. It was different. And it's like shocking to see this actually works, right? [00:19:16] Speaker A: This is great, isn't it? It takes a little while sometimes for it to kick in for the effects. Because there's, there's a certain amount of process that has to happen. It happens in a second, transformation happens in a second, but then it has to be repeated multiple times. [00:19:30] Speaker B: One of my friends recently was saying she had the most awful relationship with her mother in law, right? Was not very good. Always, always, always complaining about her mother in law. And I remember my mom coming to visit me and my friend also came to visit and my friend and my mom were talking and then, you know, my friend kept talking about her mother in law. I think because my mom at one point said, you know, do you know, I noticed one thing, you remember your mother in law more than you remember God, right? Like that was a surprise to her. And then like recently she was telling me how, you know, and oh, she doesn't like the food I cook and this happens and that happens and you know, all of that, right? And recently she was telling me, oh my God, the self transformation and others transformation really works because I changed, you said I changed my ego around her. I changed the way I think about her. I changed everything. Now it's so different. Our relationship is so different. [00:20:42] Speaker A: Isn't that wonderful? It really does work. It does work a lot. It's it's people do change or they. Something else happens, but we just don't know exactly how it's going to plan out. But the main thing is that we feel at peace. You know, instead of feeling that resistance to other people, there's a sense of ease and it's actually such a pleasure when someone says something and it has no effect on us. It's like, ah, this is like no effect. It's like there's not. There's no rise coming. There's nothing there. That's a really beautiful moment, you know, completely at peace. [00:21:25] Speaker B: The. The three I feel if you are having negative thoughts, right, how do we transform it? I feel you can ask yourself questions. Is my negative thought don't remove the other person, right? Think of that person as a messenger and ask yourself the question, what is the message this person is giving me? What is this negative thought giving me about myself? Because you have to take responsibility for it. And the second question is this other person is a soul, has the same wants and desires and you know, same things you do. Is like, let's like to look at how compassionately can I look at this person, right? That's the second question. Like how many, how much compassion can I apply here? Yeah, yeah. [00:22:23] Speaker A: And we don't even understand what people went through in their life and that, that's helpful. Like when, when you look at people's life. For example, my mother, right, she's great. I. I was with her recently in Hawaii and she's got like most like scoliosis in her spine and she's got massive hunchback and she has all this pain and, and all these. And she has various challenges with her brain and various things. And so like, I can barely imagine what that would feel like to have meant so physical, like brain issues and physical spine issues at the same time, right? And then be under a lot of pressure on, on other levels, right? So do you know, I mean, like, you think what would it be like to be someone in that situation, the people we're having negative thoughts about, like they're, they're going hell, some of these people, right? And they could just be hating themselves and they can't help themselves but be critical of other people. So that, that for me opens the heart and takes some of the edge off all this because like, if we really understood how much suffering people have, we would probably actually be praising them rather than criticizing them for how well they're doing absolutely. Under the circumstances. [00:23:44] Speaker B: So I feel those three questions, right, the first question is what is the Message telling me about myself. Second one is compassion. How compassionate can I be towards this person? And the third thing I feel is to really go back, like to step back and see, can I see the soul as a soul? Can I see the soul as a beautiful being? Can I see the soul in their highest, you know, highest state? And how long can I see, you know, like, can I really apply those three steps, right? Actually six steps, but the last three are the same step, four steps. Can I apply those four steps, right? Can I apply those four steps and really keep just transforming the way I think about this situation? And I had it every time I feel, oh, I've got a handle on this and then again something happens and then I have to like, oh, let me go back to my four steps. Like recently I had the amazing opportunity to do this. It's always interesting and we have a new president and all of that. It's always interesting when people express political views, you know, and how that really triggers you and how people can really be so obnoxious about expressing their political views, right? Like, you don't want to hear it. And then they, you know, coming after you, telling you this, and I'm like, don't want to hear this, right? I don't want to hear this. And I'm thinking, oh my God, you're so obnoxious. You know, you're this, you're that, whatever, right? And then I thought, what am I doing? What am I doing? I mean, even if it is true, which is not true, because that's not the truth. Even if it is true, why am I thinking that? If I'm thinking that, then it's my problem, you know, some vice in me is coming up. That's why I'm thinking that. Yeah, but like, hey, Shereen, what's your problem? Stop, right? Apply your four step method. [00:26:12] Speaker A: A lot of this stems from wanting to be right, isn't it? The prove a point and have it, have it the way we like it, you know, like we have this. The ego has this thing, I am right about everything at the back of the head, you know, it's like I'm always right. And as soon as anyone says anything or does anything that's that contradicts that, it just comes out and wants to attack it. And so it does take a lot to come out of that and say, no, no. There's a great expression that I remember hearing in India many years ago on a retreat. And it stood out to me because I was practicing this for a couple, two or three days Straight. And it was powerful. It was everyone consider everyone you see to be a supremely worthy of worship soul or becoming a supremely worthy of worship soul. Right. Now think about that statement. That's a really extreme statement, isn't it? Right. Everyone is a supremely worthy of worship. So I mean this is extremely high standard, isn't it? You know, and I was like that's a really full on thing to be thinking about. Right. Because like people normally worthy of worship, like we're talking about like most people, they're not like that's like the highest level you could possibly get out. But the reason for that statement is because it's raising the bar of how we see other people. And so am I seeing their defects which is not very good thing to be focused on or am I seeing their highest stage? And I remember wandering around in this retreat place seeing everyone in that way as best I could. And I noticed that immediately I felt profound joy and relief in myself. I was, oh my God, I feel so great, you know, so it's like even if I didn't say anything to anyone, I was just kind of like seeing that and it had such a beautiful effect. So this is something that really works. [00:28:20] Speaker B: Supremely worthy worship is also none of my business, right? [00:28:23] Speaker A: Our heart feels. [00:28:25] Speaker B: I'm. I am actually elevating my mind. What they are or not, they become. [00:28:30] Speaker A: That old, you know. [00:28:31] Speaker B: But yeah, but in a certain way it's true though, right? [00:28:35] Speaker A: Exactly. It's such a relief. [00:28:36] Speaker B: It's like you remove all the muck. Everyone is a pure beautiful soul. Yeah, yeah. [00:28:49] Speaker A: That is the truth. Ultimate truth. Like this is all transient clouds in the drama of life really, isn't it? And ultimately everyone's gonna die physically and the soul remains and the soul is going to be come back to its original stage and that soul is supremely worthy of worship. So that, that's all, that's what's going on all the time right now and forever and ever. We're the ones who can't see it if we're not not able to like pierce through the veil into the reality. So these, these are very hardcore practices but they do work. They're not easy to do, but. [00:29:30] Speaker B: Right. We have to. You're absolutely right. You have to think of that. The advantages, what are the advantages? Advantages of not thinking negative. They huge. You feel lighter, you feel like you are amazing person. You know, it's like I feel sometimes now to think negative is too high a price to pay. It doesn't matter what they're doing. Let's say even someone comes and punches me, right? Me thinking negative about that person is too high a price to pay. They've punched me already. Why am I polluting my mind with negative thinking, right? It's like a double whammy, like a double punch, right? I've just punched once and I'm like sitting here and having negative thoughts and getting punched over several times. [00:30:22] Speaker A: It's adding insult to injury ourselves, isn't it? Like we're the ones adding these things. [00:30:27] Speaker B: Huge advantages of not thinking negative, right? Just the. How elevated you feel, how transcendent you feel. It's a huge advantage. [00:30:38] Speaker A: I mean, after a while, we just get tired of feeling bad. And one, one last thing to mention about this is that there are obviously situations where the reason we're having negative thoughts about people is because it's an unsafe or an unhealthy situation to be in, and remaining in it is not good for us, right? So that has to be addressed as well. That there are situations where we're involved with somebody, whether it's personal, business, whatever it is, friendships, whatever, and we're having negative thoughts not because of just random stuff in our head, but because it's actually not good to be in that situation any longer. And so that might. That could be the message in some cases is that this is not healthy. I need to get out of it. And so when you take the action and remove yourself from the situation or when you address whatever it is, then the negative thoughts go away. So there is actually a benefit to some of these negative thoughts, if I wouldn't even call them negative. They're more like realistic. Do you know? I mean, so that. That has to be addressed. It's not that we're not saying that you just put up this stuff indefinitely and say, oh, this person's abusing me and taking advantage of me, and oh, you know, and I'll just, oh, they're supremely worthy worship. They're so wonderful. But you're just getting all this. But that's not what we're talking about. There's a. There's a point at which you need to actually have the courage to do something about it. And, and so it's important to discern the difference between overcoming your own negative feelings versus changing your life. So keep that in mind. [00:32:33] Speaker B: This is a blessing for God. So think of it as a personal blessing. Personal blessing. Healing a powerful metamorphosis has embraced you, restoring your peace and healing the scars. You feel reborn whole again and utterly transformed into a joyous light. Being. Each day brings new hope and joy as you heal and grow. [00:33:12] Speaker A: Oh, that's very beautiful. Yay. Thank you. So we'd love to hear from everyone watching this. What is your experience with negative thoughts about people and what are you going to do about it? We'd love to hear in the comments. Lots of love. Talk to you soon.